Redneck Martinis

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Webster defines “redneck” as a white member of the Southern rural working class. Wikipedia is less politically correct, defining rednecks as bigoted (racist) loutish reactionaries who are opposed to modern ways.

With the help of comedians and country western music, rednecks have tried to rehabilitate their image. OK, Hank Williams Jr. set the movement back recently, but, for many of us, Jim Crow has been replaced by Larry the Cable Guy. You’re familiar with the stock one-liners (“Never take a beer to a job interview.”  “Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.” “Always offer to bait your gal’s hook, especially on the first date.”).

Our recent cross-country trip took my wife and I through 10 sSouthern states, where we expected to find plenty of rednecks. We weren’t disappointed, but the truth is, they’re everywhere. Up north, a redneck is just a hayseed (“Driving is safer in winter ’cause the potholes are filled with ice.” “In Minnesota, a brat is something you eat.”).

South or north, we found it’s easy to spot rednecks by their bumper stickers. Rednecks are proud to tell you where they stand – pro-NRA, pro-life, pro-drilling, pro-Jesus, pro-flag, anti-tax, anti-Darwin, anti-immigrant. We liberals hope this doesn’t reflect a latent streak of racism, but with voter ID laws popping up everywhere, we’re suspicious.

So liberals are now wading into the bumper sticker wars. Here’s a small sample from out trip:

* Tea: It’s the new Kool Aid.

* The Republican Party: Bridge to the 11th century.

* Romney 2012? The Aztecs tried to warn us.

* Annoyed by immigrants? Tell it to the Indians.

* Don’t like government? Move to Somalia.

* After the Rapture can I have your car?

* Eight years of insanity and NOW you’re mad?

* Bipartisanship: I’ll hug your elephant if you’ll kiss my (donkey).

I should add that I’m always searching for common ground. During our travels, I kept playing “On The Road Again” until my wife misplaced the CD somewhere in Wyoming.

I also drove a dented 14-year-old stick-shift Frontier pickup truck until this spring, when she declared it unsuitable for shopping at Fashion Island.

As further proof, I ‘m even prepared to share the secret recipe. Here it is (drum roll): a redneck martini is a long-necked Bud with an olive. In Texas, you may substitute a Lone Star with pickled okra.

Sorry, but I never claimed it wasn’t dumb.

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  1. I’m very pleased that you discovered on your cross-country trip, that Rednecks are not indigenous to the southern United States, although, Southern Rednecks would love to claim the innate ability to laugh at themselves while Non-Rednecks poke fun at them…..Guess they just don’t take themselves too seriously,