Few See Through April Fool’s Column

A few years back when I retired from the active practice of medicine and felt I had something to say (most didn’t agree) on medical-legal issues, a brave editor named Rick Reiff at the Orange County Business Journal gave me my first column, “Deep Thoughts from Dr. Mike.” The managing editor of the OCBJ.com was Roger Bloom and, the editor of your Newport Beach Independent. Roger recently asked me if I’d like to try that first column again. So here goes after 14 years.

* First I have a confession to make. In the March 30 edition of the Indy I wrote a “My Turn” column on a new x-ray app for cell phones that had caused fear and loathing in me because of radiation safety issues. In case you (probably) missed it, the app sent cell phone x-rays to an on-call radiologist in India for interpretation. Although there wasn’t an ounce of truth in the entire column, only one reader picked up on this being an April Fool’s hoax. Perhaps I had the tech jargon down a little too well after talking to several sources in the Silicon Valley. Won’t try that again, until maybe next April 1.

* Our little town has gone meshuga in the competition for the best hamburger. There are vegetarian burgers with lettuce, mushrooms and onions but no meat. There are some with three complementary cuts of beef and others with chicken, turkey or fish. I have yet to find a burger establishment that serves a hamburger with ham. How about a new hamburger with grilled ground ham, 5 pieces of bacon and a few slices of Chinese pork roast? Let’s call it “The Porker.”

* There are now a few places that actually serve their beef burgers rare. Most fast-food places will not serve a rare burger – never mind that is all they do for a living! Their burgers taste like an old dried wallet. As noted many years ago in a column past, I now carry a release form that grants all chefs immunity for rare burgers. California had one case of food contamination 15-20 years ago and the corporate legal departments still can’t get over it.

* Here we go again. Only a few games into the season (as of this writing) our Angels are still without timely hits, starting and relief pitching and with only a few hits from their (250) million-dollar baby. As of this writing, an already weak relief staff has suffered two injuries in the first week alone. However, this year look for new Angels GM Jerry Dipoto to act more quickly.

* The Angel uniforms are magical. You could take the best hitters of all time (Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Ted Williams, Stan Musial, Joe DiMaggio and the Mick), put Angel uniforms on them and they would stop hitting the next day.  It’s as if opposing pitchers are taking courses in deception with Harry Potter at Hogwarts.

* Local restaurants are allegedly experiencing some improvement in business. Does this mean the economy is improving? My theory is that many of those Newport Beach homes built 10-20 years ago are having their kitchens remodeled and the wives or girlfriends don’t want to actually use them and get them dirty.

* I had seen “The Artist,” earlier this year but did not view “The Descendants,” until a few days ago. How “The Artist” could have beaten out “The Descendants,” for the Oscar is a wee bit of wonderment for me. Then again, “The Artist” is about the movies and Hollywood never misses a chance to honor itself. There are now more Hollywood and Hollywood-like entertainment awards on TV than there are prime time TV shows! There is even an award show for the best award shows.

* My 3-year-old granddaughter was going through airport security with her parents. They showed her how to put her shoes, belt and purse in the plastic container. She then turned to the security agent and asked, “Do we need to take off our clothes, too?” No Brooke, it just seems that way.

* A penguin waddles into a bar in Newport Beach. The bartender cordially asks the penguin what he can do for him. The penguin says that he is looking for his brother and asks if the bartender has seen him. The bartender replies, “Well, what does he look like?”

* BTW the ROMEO Group still meets Monday through Friday at 3:15-3.30 pm on the patio at Kean’s Coffee Shop. Women are invited as well as men, even though the acronym stands for retired old men eating out. I’ll be the penguin waddling about with 100 percent gray hair.

Michael Arnold Glueck, M.D., of Newport Beach, has written extensively on medical-legal issues, but his real loves are rare beef burgers served with only well-grilled onions, shrimp egg foo yung and baseball. If you see or hear of any silly happenings in Newport that deserve some good-natured kidding, let Dr. Mike know about them via [email protected].